Exhausted...

  • Nov 26, 2006

I'm starting to learn more about my threshold for pain and depression.  But first of all, I hate being depressed and I love having nothing to fret about.  I know that I've been through worse in the past, but I now realize I'd rather have something to cry and whimper about for a short period of time than what I'm dealing with right now.  It's real bullshit to be uncomfortable like this everyday.  As much as sleep is my getaway, waking up always becomes a huge disappointment.  And now this shit is becoming so parasitic that it inhabits my dreams.  But I think what pisses me off the most is that I'm so irked and I just can't cry it out.  I really wish I could cry my ass off so that I could feel just a little better, but my conscience knows damn well how stupid this issue is and that all I can do is suck it in.  So since I can't cry, I really have the urge to just beat the shit out of something.

Now that I think of it, a friend of mine once analyzed that I convert my sadness into anger.  I always thought about why that is...Maybe because in times I do cry, I feel absolutely helpless.  I get angered because I know I have options and I could use them if I had to.  But in this situation, I feel helpless even though I know my options.  There are so many setbacks preventing me from using them, and that's why I'm depressed.

Honestly, this has to be one of the first decisions I ever regret making.  And note, I don't make regrets so simple.  I hate myself for not knowing enough.  For not giving myself a fair chance.  For not being able to ask the right questions because I just wasn't able to do the research.  It was the one time I thought I could just dive into something and just experience whatever came my way.  I don't regret the events that occurred or anything that came along with it...I just wish I knew what the fuck I was getting myself into before it was too late and all sorts of attachments became established.  I feel a little pushed to go on because I already sacrificed so much...So why not go the whole way?  Whatever...

All I can say is that I'm lost.